Minecraft Couple

I lay here in my bed with Pandora playing in the background as I smile about what I did the past few hours. Skype with my boyfriend, the couple app, and playing on a “couple based” minecraft server (when in all reality it was just a creative server that had a marriage system). He built the hedge surrounding our couple lot, as well as a courtyard while I worked away at building the servants quarters which turned out pretty fancy. We both laughed about we spoil our servants, and how we’d give them a billion diamond bonus every Christmas. He logged off about an hour earlier than I did due to the fact he has work in the morning, so I finished the quarters and logged off and turned on pandora.

Though my boyfriend currently doesn’t have a smart phone, he was able to get on couple through his computer, and we paired back up. For the curious, the couple app is basically what the name suggests. An app made specifically for couples, and it’s amazing for long distance. You basically log in with your email, and connect to your s/o and you could message them 1 on 1. The app has a calendar you and your s/o could organize with important dates (e.g dates, birthdays, anniversaries), lists the both of you could make memos with, and a few other interesting features. I have to say though, my favorite feature would definitely have to be thumb kiss. You click on it, and wait for your s/o to get onto the I guess we could call a mini game of some sort, and you press your thumb on the screen, and they press their thumb on their screen and when the thumb prints match up, the screen flashes red. As if your thumbs actually touched. The theory of it is very sweet, that someone is on the other side. Reminds me of that animation on youtube “Draw with me”

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(Theres also a mini feature where you two can doodle together, so I guess it relates even more.)

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I could probably speak more about the animation of Draw with me and how it’s actually a good representation of long distance relationships, but i’ll save that for another post. But overall, I lay here in bed, still listening to Pandora and updating my blog. And I feel happy. Knowing I got to spend some time with him tonight, and we could have some fun in I guess a virtual date through co-op games like minecraft. And we could relax, and basically hang out. And with that, I feel like I can sleep a little easier. It’s funny how the smallest things become so much more amazing to me when I do it in a long distance relationship. It’s like the smaller things in life finally get the appreciation and personal excitement they deserve. Well, I think i’m finally going to head to bed, as it is 2:46 in the morning right now. Goodnight my lovelies, and sleep well.

Lets Get Serious

In all frivolousness there is on this blog, I want to touch onto a slightly heavier topic. I myself also sometimes deal with these thoughts and feelings. There are many factors that have happened into my life, that may have caused some of the thoughts, or triggered some deep down trauma that I can never connect my problems to unless I delve deep enough into my late night thoughts. Thoughts like:

I am alone, and no one will ever truly love me or need me.

I have friends and some family that care and love me, but i feel lonely.

I have a life, but i’m not allowed to live it.

I can’t be successful in my future, because even now feels so impossible.

I’m an idiot/a fool/stupid. No one really likes me, they all hate me, despite what they say.

Anyone who says they love me, must really pity me.

If anyone gets too close, i’m sure to hurt them because i’m too afraid to get hurt to let them too close.

Why am I so used to disappointment and pain, why has it become so acceptable to me?

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(Its okay to be fine, but if you aren’t don’t be afraid to open up to someone you trust. Especially if they can see through your fake smiles, cuz then you know they’re really paying attention, and care about you)

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All of these thoughts are just the basics of what I end up asking myself or telling myself, especially on those nights I can not sleep, or if i’m stuck alone with no one to really talk to. And it leads me into insecurities and self doubts, (trigger warning coming up) and sometimes even thoughts about why I even continue to exist, or of self harm.

But though I feel this way, I always end up surrounded by people who care and love me, and I manage to smile a little, despite how empty I begin to feel inside. And I just can’t help it. I try to change my mindset, and I help others and give them advice because I want them to be happy, and not have to suffer alone nights like I do, and end up thinking of self harm. And then I feel so stupid when I can’t help, and helpless when I screw up trying to help. And then I get mad when they keep having the same problem, like how I have the same thoughts.

Anyways what I’m trying to say here is, if you were to ever feel like any of this, please seek help. Don’t keep yourself upset, and don’t jar up your emotions. It’s a great thing to help others, but don’t let yourself sink. It’s okay to feel this way, but it’s not okay if it were to get to the point of wanting to harm yourself, temporarily or fatally. I’ll be glad to help out in anyway I can, for as much as I can. You can always leave a comment on one of my posts, whether it be anonymous or not, I could always make a post directed towards you (Just give me a code name or something so you know its for you). And if you felt like you were to get yourself in any danger, or know someone who is going through something like this. Please contact someone you trust, or the police, even the suicide prevention hotline [1 (800) 273-8255]=US [+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90]=UK

With all love and care, Yours truly,

-Xel

91915. 9-1-9-1-5. 

What in the world could these numbers possibly mean? Random numbers that seem to flow nicely together? A nice hourly income that I won’t have? How about a new start to a relationship I’ve in all honesty, missed. Where I suddenly can’t help but smile every time he seems even the smallest bit excited. Or grin when he calls be beautiful or that he’s proud of me for literally doing nothing; Well nothing in my opinion. A relationship where we can casually insult and laugh at each other and know it’s out of love, or just stare at our webcams for minutes smiling before I burst into a nervous fit of giggles. Yes, I said webcam. This beautiful relationship that I’ve missed so dearly, well, it’s long distance. 

At least I hope for not too long. We’re planning out a road trip, where my friend and someone else of his choice drives from NC (where I live currently) to IN (where he is <3) to NY. Where I’m moving in wit my dad, and he will take a plane home, and my friend will drive home with his friend. That’s the plan anyways, and I really hope it works out because I miss him. The only concern is, I have no ways of income. I’m not allowed to drive let alone have a job, which really sucks and makes me worry about how this all is going to happen. As well as if my dad wants to go the Philippines with me this summer, which would be lovely, but I really wanna see Grayson. 

But in all seriousness. I’m a huge advocate for LDR’s. They’re lovely, and to make a long rant short, they do wonders to make you appreciate small things in life which includes, stopping to smell the flowers. (Bigger rant maybe in another post? Comment below yes or no!) And I love him. And don’t worry, I’ve met him before. Spring break of 2014, he was my first kiss on a brisk dark night, on a cruise. (Again another story for another time, comment below if interested) But that is when my feelings probably first began to bloom, which stayed while we dated, and hibernated when we weren’t dating, and now it’s all waking up all over again and I can’t but feel anxious. How will this go? Is it safe to give my all? I may need some time to get used to being in this magically miraculous relationship once more, but I feel like this experience is worth reliving. Call me crazy, but I’m happy. And I’d be crazier if I were to turn this down when I feel so alive with him. 

*Bwoosh*

Long distance relationships completely blow my mind. Some people say they are fictional, not real, and a waste of time. But I find them amazing. The fact that someone could feel an emotional connection with someone, states, countries, oceans and continents away, (and planets for those who are secretly into aliens or astronauts), and they could stay devoted to someone who isn’t always right there in front of you.

Long distance relationships make things magical, but oh so very normal. Every small little detail they give away to you about their day, every small detail you can see from that small frame you get from a webcam. It becomes so special, a relationship in which words can be just enough to brighten your day. Where the small things you’d take for granted in a close distance relationship, are suddenly so much more important. And then you see them when they visit you or when you visit them, and it’s like the sun or the moon has been delivered right to your doorstep. And you can’t take your eyes off them for a second. Like the fluffiest, softest and biggest teddy bear has been brought to you and you can’t let them go. Their presence becomes everything. I guess you could say it’s a whole lot easier to fall in love with someone miles and miles away. Which is what makes it so painstakingly dangerous. But you do it anyways, your heart has no limits and your love stretches over those miles just as it would if you were to love someone close to you. The romance suddenly has a lot more effort, stamps need to be found, and time needs to be scheduled. Phones and the internet have made it so convenient to stay connected, but time and our lives can get in the way. But then there are those few people who make long distance relationships sound so amazing. Flaws, and kinks and all the struggles there is to loving someone so far. People who tell you that a long distance relationship is like, being able to stop and smell the roses because you can take a moment out of your life to explain the smallest part of your day to great detail, and they could watch you through that webcam, or hear the excitement in your voice. That someone miles away can make you feel so much better about yourself, calm you down when you cry and make you feel like you just took the biggest breath of air in the deepest part of the ocean. And it blows my mind, that something like this is real. Something like this is happening, that it’s not a dream. That something like this, is happening to me. And I can’t stop smiling.

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It’s nice to feel alive, isn’t it. To recognize you’re breathing, sensing the world around you. But not recognizing the bad, but noticing all the good. The blue skies, the bright blazing sun, the green topped trees that will soon turn red and orange and brown and yellow. The song of the birds and cicadas, then at night the crickets. And you’re alive, noticing all of this. And for once you feel life is beautiful. And worth it. 

No.

Sometimes I don’t understand what part of no some people don’t understand.

No, I don’t want to date you.

No, I don’t want you to flirt with me.

No, those jokes aren’t funny or cute.

No, I ONLY want to be friends.

No, you don’t have a chance with me, because I just don’t see you like that.

I shouldn’t have to remind you, that I don’t like you more than a friend. I shouldn’t have to remind you not to flirt with me because it makes me uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have to remind you that you Do Not Have A Chance, because that makes me feel stuck up. Please do not make me into the villain I’m not. I’m sorry that you like me, I’m sorry you “fell” for me, but it’s hard to believe when, we never legit hung out by ourselves without me being uncomfortable in some way, or under secondhand drug influence. Hanging out does not mean, touch me without my consent, acting protective of me when people look at me (you are not my boyfriend, I can handle myself. I’m not some fragile flower to be protected.). We are friends, I will gladly help you out with your issues, as long as they are reasonable and you’re actually thinking straight and not making an excuse just to talk to me. I am not here for your satisfaction. I am not here to be your object of lust or interest. I am here to be your friend. And only your friend. I am not rejecting you because I am a prude. I am rejecting you because I see no future with you, I do not have any attraction to you, no matter how many things you do for me, I can never see you as more than a friend. I can’t control how I feel. And I will not be turned into a villain because of it.

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Me

I’m an artistic person. I love to sing, dance, play instruments, write, draw, and act. It’s really who I am. Though I may occasionally update to youtube, or soundcloud (probably will do that more when I get a mic, which thankfully will be on its way), or wattpad, etc etc, it doesn’t mean i’m actively putting myself out there to be noticed. I put it out there for me, to know I’ve done something, that i’m passionate enough about something that I would post it where anyone could see and judge me. That I would gladly post something out of sheer boredom or burst of inspiration, even if it were never to be seen. Something that one day I could look back on, and laugh at myself for doing it. Cringe at my old stories and updates, shake my head at how bad I was at something, and how I thought I was good at it, and feel content with the progress I have made. I’m an artistic person, I’d love to be known for something I love to do. But I will not actively search for opportunities, at least not yet. Not until i’m certain I need to, or If I’m pushed to do it because I feel like it would make the people I care for proud of me. But anything I put out there on the big wide web, it’s for me. It’s to make me feel good, about something I’ve done. That I’ve put my voice out there, and I’ve made some kind of contribution to this social web, regardless of being heard or not. I do it for me. I do it to learn that I am brave, I am passionate about my hobbies. It’s for me, and for my entertainment, and for my proof, and my future reminiscing. So future me, if you’re reading this, regardless of it being 5, 10, or 20 years from now. You’re welcome.

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