So this will definitely be the last post I make on this blog, at least LDR wise. Maybe i’ll write more in the future with other topics, who knows. We’ve broken up several months back, while I was on spring break for my anxiously awaited auditions in NYC. (I made it into AADA, though decided to take a year off due to finances and personal reasons, such as, getting myself together.) Though after the breakup there came a tantrum, one I was hoping for maturity could help avoid. In which I was accused, of so many things, as if I never tried on my end.
Though I am over the situation now, I still want someone to hear my side of the story, because I never got to say it. I never got to argue it. And that is fine, but I’ll be damned if he’s the only victim here. (Not that I’m saying it isn’t my fault.)
I loved him.
I really did.
With All Of My Heart.
I was there for him, I helped him out, I listened to his stories of his childhood, I let him vent and pour out things to me he wouldn’t tell others out of pride. I cried, and I tried to hold back because he, in my opinion, had enough on his plate. A trait I’ve always had, and still have. Bottling up my own thoughts and insecurities for the sake of others, because my problems were another entree to add to their plates. He tried to help, and maybe he put a lot more effort forward than I thought he did, but sometimes there wasn’t even a reason to why I cried. I was and am a broken mess, that may be as ungrateful as I am said to be. A liar in the midst of a lie waiting to happen. However, I never anticipated this. When I said what I said I was genuine.
I’d still be there for him, if he asked me to be. No matter how angry I am, how upset I was. But hey.
It was my fault.
I fell out of love, when he needed me the most. Forgotten that warm fuzzy feeling in the midst of anxiety and disbelief. The time taken apart only gave me a taste of what I could’ve been and that was free. And it’s sad to say that being in as love with him as I used to, that what chained me down was what made me fly. Or at least used to fly.
The wings I attained when we first started dating. The very first time. He asked me out at 2:16 in the morning, the day I was to first go off to babysit these children for a month straight. I was gonna stay there, and have breaks to go home on certain days of the week. I was excited, I kept texting him and he kept texting me. This boy I met on the cruise, making me smile in a pitch black living room, on the couch, where my iPod illuminated my face. I remember squealing and internally screaming “YES YES OF COURSE I WOULD YES!”. And the long distance relationship went swimmingly. Then the first damper of the relationship came. He told me he was accidentally dating another girl, closer to him. I remember how fast my heart sunk, the weather to match how I felt. Dull. Cloudy, slightly damp. My glasses fogged up from how embarrassed I was, not because of what he did, but because I was so happy the entire time, and that I never knew. He’s apologized since then, even stopped talking to her, at least that I know of. I wonder how she is actually, (not in a mean or petty way, just genuinely.) I never knew this girl, however she must’ve been amazing in order for him to have said yes. Ongoing, he tried to make up for it, in anyway possible. But then he got very sick, and my uncle at the time as well had lung cancer (though I never found out until he was diagnosed to be in stage 4). He forgot many things, and vented to people I didn’t know because he as well did not want to bother me, or felt like there were things I could just not be told. He became close to these people, had her over for dinner with his family that loved her, had tickle fights, and long conversations about how he was. She was just a friend, he’d say. I’d believe him, with doubts, but I believed him. Time goes by, and I muster up the courage to tell my parents about the wonderful boy I’ve been talking to, dating. I was under the impression of, my parents being strict. A steel fist over my life in which I had no control over. That they would freak, take away all my means of communication with him. But I finally did it, I broke that nervewrecking barrier between me and my parents. My mother first, then my dad, who lived in NY away from me. My dad was the calmest, and he wished me luck. And I turned 17 the next day. I couldve spent that day in the hospital with my uncle. But I couldn’t stand to see him so week. I think back at how selfish that was, and how I could’ve spent his last day with him, the last time he’d be there for my birthday. He died the next morning. I remember bawling my eyes out in psychology, texting him about what happened, and my best friend sitting next to me, giving me hugs and reassurance. The uncle I looked up to for a while because my father was never really physically in my life was gone. The day was numb for me, and I don’t remember much but tears that day. I remember the next day my family was all at my house, my cousins, my other aunts and uncles, and we we’re planning for the open casket the next day. He wanted to talk. So I secluded myself in my room, than my other aunt and uncle were occupying later that night to sleep in. And he broke up with me.
After I told my parents about him.
After my birthday.
After My Uncle Died.
And a week later, I’m told by his friends that he was dating the girl that was just a friend.
Just A Friend.
I’m told they started dating the day after we broke up. The same night he was telling me that he was ready to give up his life because of his sickness, the same night that followed after I stared at my uncles corpse, in a wooden open box, asleep, and never to wake again and I couldn’t even cry over his death, because I was too busy being hurt that He Left Me When I Needed Him The Most.
For Her.
She’s one of the girls who would tag him in everything, I still had him as a friend on social media. I saw a picture of them together with a date, about a month or two before we even broke up. His friend told my friend, because he couldn’t tell me and see me hurt. And she told me, he cheated. Though he denies this now but that date picture was imprinted in my mind for months. I self harmed. I became Jaded. I cried, threw a tantrum, but never spoke a word to him about it. I dated another guy who I’m sure I loved but couldn’t give all the attention he deserved or wanted, and I probably hurt him the most, because I just wanted to move on.
But It Was My Fault.
I trusted him, I gave him my heart unconditionally, through sickness, and health. He hurt me once, and he did it again. But he’s sorry. He’s apologized. It’s all it takes.
I’m Sorry.
About six to eight months later, I took him back. Because the boy I loved while I was jaded broke up with me the day before my leave for NYC for the rest of the summer. I didn’t give him enough attention, I didn’t return his texts for I had no phone and relied heavily on WiFi. In which I barely ever had, because I always snuck out with people who probably werent as great friends as I thought, but together with them we were trouble. But I took him back, he apologized, showed me he was better, kinder, sincere.And I took him back, with the intentions of, if he were to even begin to hurt me or hold me back in any way I would not stand for it and I’d leave. And the relationship went well. Very well. I got to visit him for the first time, I had this blog to spill every happy feeling I had about him, about us. And I joined a school musical, in which I was so excited for. As I felt it could help me gain experience for the future I hope for in theatre. I was Lucy, (or well the understudy, but that didn’t last too long) in the musical You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown. I practiced my lines, in which he got tired of hearing, my songs, which got annoying after a while, since I only really practiced my characters big number for a while, because it was the only one I really knew. I became devoted to practice, and we spoke less and less between our own schooling and his hanging out with friends. I felt the musical was my way of spending the time wasted on waiting for him to check his phone. He had his DEP meetings, in which I tried to help him prepare for when I could, as well as practice for my musical on my own time by myself. I started a group skype chat with my cast mates, due to weather that caused the lack of ability to practice lines together in person, and I added him into the chat to let him know what I was doing, even if he was states and states away. The Cast knew him, and he kinda knew them. You become very close friends with your cast mates, especially with all the time you spend together with them, they all became very great friends to me. I even had a running gag with one of them, who played Schroeder in the musical. If you’ve followed the Charlie Brown Peanuts strips, you would know how deeply in love Lucy is with Schroeder, and how deeply not in love he was with her. Our gag was I’d act in love with him (in character) and he’d dramatically sigh and roll his eyes and blankly respond. Though with us being opposite genders people began to think that this gag should go further into reality in which I strongly objected, as I already had someone. And I loved him dearly and wouldn’t ask for someone else. I wore my promise ring proudly to school, in a way to ward off the rumors, though it didn’t help much. My player 1 bracelet which matched his player 2 bracelet would also always be adorned. As time continued, my little skype group became so close friends that we’d act together in public to protect each other if needed. Ships were made, and denied. Jealousy between exes fueled the same ships. Schroeder’s ex absolutely hated me, because she thought I made him so happy, when she left him. He couldnt take it anymore, the girl who played Sally and I agreed that he shouldn’t ever go back to her again. Yet I, with the promise ring, matching bracelet, and crazy devoted to a man states away, was the object of this jealousy, in which I never understood. The jealousy also shared with my then boyfriend. I was so into the musical, so into our inside jokes, to realize that he was becoming jealous. And when I did realize I always reassured him, he was just a friend. In which I remained to, faithfully, him. But with the jealousy he became more serious about us, almost smotheringly. He needed my attention and I tried to give it to him, in between skype practices and calls. I helped him with his navy memorization, and practiced monologues and audition songs on my own, as they made him “get into his feels” so much that it made him upset. So I continued to help him, and go on mute to practice by myself. Or I’d tell him to turn down his volume so my cast mates could help me. As time goes on, stress begins to build, as well as anxiety. I continued to help him but broke down during a rehearsal. The musical was coming up fast, the musical assembly in which we previewed a few songs (assembly went horrible, but the dress rehearsal for elementary kids afterwards went amazing), my auditions were coming up, and i’d be in NYC. So I kept practicing, I kept helping, everyone knew I was going to NY the following weekend, and my teacher/director acknowledged that in the bows.
Speaking to him he forgot.
Forgot I had a musical performance.
Forgot I had auditions the same weekend.
Forgot I was flying up to NYC.
But that’s okay, he had enough on his mind with the navy and all. So that weekend I spoke with my cast a bit more, and he remained out of the calls, as he had for a while as he felt there was no need for him to be there anymore. They reassured me on my auditions, and I went through them fast and confidently, with a big Hello, smile, and Thank you for your time. But I needed more time. For myself, the stress was too much for me. I called a break. And I thought for a week, I asked for a week, I talked for a week to everyone but him. And it wasnt until his friend, the same one who indirectly told me he cheated, told me to stay with him that I decided that I need to do what would make me happy. And so after that week, I broke it off. Schroeder was also in NYC with his family, and I hung out with him and my friend (who was the one his friend told that he cheated). I was going to prom with Schroeder as a ongoing joke, and originally as friends. My significant other was furious. He said he was always there for me, and I was never there for him. He assumed it was because of someone else. He said that this was all bullshit and that I may have never ever loved him, and to hear him say that my heart broke even more. Even though I was the one who ended it I never thought he’d be this angry. He wanted me to return the promise ring, a ring that didn’t promise marriage, but promised he’d always be there for me no matter what, no matter our situation or severance of relationship. I was shocked, that he handled this so much more different than I did when he left me first. I was upset, that the unrealistic promise wasn’t kept. I cried again over him in which would’ve not been my last tears over him. And he unfriended me on social media, my best friend cussed him out (after he messaged his goodbyes to her as if they were the best of friends as well, But he never really spoke with my friends like I spoke with his. I was much closer to his friends than he was with mine.) about the bullshit he put me through, and how he shouldn’t have the right to be that angry. I blocked him everywhere else, after he sent me a long severance message when I returned to NC, about how he expected more from me, that I hurt him, and that I was never to contact him or to send him a letter in training, and that I could keep the shiny plastic costume ring that didnt fit my finger without tape, as he felt it would be unfair as he would keep everything else I’ve given him. About month later, of not talking to him, and Schroeder being kind and comforting, understanding, and oh so patient, I started to date Schroeder. This Enraged my then ex. He “knew” all along that I cared for him, even though my feelings for him didn’t really develop until how bad he acted during our breakup. When I realized I deserved better, than a rock with a marshmallow core. And he will continue to want to keep words unsaid, and by words, I believe he really means mine. As I felt he’s already said everything. The argument of “He was only just a friend” Even though I was genuine, and he was not.
But he’s apologized. And he’s denied. And no more words can be said to him.
And then he blocked me, without giving a thought to let me respond “I hope all goes well for you too”.
But if he were to see this i’m sure he’d get angry. How dare I make myself the victim when It’s All My Fault. How dare I even try to tell my side of the story, when His is all that matters.
But I’d sincerely be welcome to being his friend once more. Just Like We Promised. So Hey, If you’re reading this, and have the courage to message me and let me respond. go for it. But don’t argue your side of my story when I’ve already heard it a million times, please. If you want to ever be friends, and just friends, as I could never see you the same again after what has happened on my side, i’m here for you. To be honest I’ll always be there for you if you need me. But you don’t, you’ve improved yourself, at least I hope you did within a few months. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for the boy who kissed me under the full moon, in the middle of the ocean. But never a place in my heart for the boy who victimized himself entirely without listening to me for once. Because this entire post is my side. Not a monologue to make you upset, not a song sang over and over again. But my side, my unsaid to you side.
And so with that, I end with this.
I loved you.
I’m sorry I don’t feel the same anymore.
But I won’t let you tear me apart anymore when you’re not even there to hurt me.
I’m moving on.
I
just
want
to
be
happy.
And I hope you find Happiness too.
Eight nation 
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