Love yourself

There was a time in my life when I didn’t know how to love myself. I questioned everything I did, why I did it, what I was gonna do with myself, and why would I think the thoughts I thought. I was rather insecure, a cry baby, and extremely sensitive to everything. Getting picked on during this time period was the worst, I had to go to a self esteem group in the guidance office for it, though it really didn’t help much. It actually wasn’t until I became a freshman that I slightly toughened up. But I still didn’t really love myself, but I still embraced others. I gave everyone else the love and worry and care that they needed, because not only would it make them feel better, but it made me feel good that I could make someone smile, someone a little more confident in themselves, especially when I didn’t know how to. So in a way, helping others, I helped myself. I became the secret keeper, the advice giver, the one who offered hugs when you needed them the most. The quiet girl in the back, who was absolutely crazy with her closest friends, but was always approachable.

The next year I joined a few clubs, became a little more social. With that widened social group, I learned that being nice was good, but being too nice would get you teased and picked on. After a while you just become a cute little thing that everyone loves. I’d constantly get hugs, and randomly lifted from how tiny I was (and am, but thankfully not as tiny as before). I remained the mediator, between friends and people I knew for a few days. I had so many “friends” that I began to question which ones were real and which weren’t. So I tried a little thing where I became the weirdest person ever, only the craziest of friends would stay with me, weeded out the weak as some would say. Heck, I even started to actually do theatre. I was a 9 year old little boy who thought he was a brown bear. Granted this weird me carried onto the cruise that I went on that year, after that cruise I became somewhat of a mess with a relationship with a guy from Kentucky. Didn’t end pretty, and I definitely did not love myself then.

Come junior year, I was a little more confident in myself. I’ve started dating my first kiss from the cruise. I tried to be my best me for him that was possible. Even if it meant hiding the majority of my clingy-ness from my constant need of attention that I had, because well, he made me feel good. Like I could do anything, I could be anything. Only hoping I did the same for him, so when he needed space, I gave space. So much space because I knew he had his own life, I wasn’t gonna pull him away from it just to talk to me through a computer or iPod. Skipping a bit, when that ended, my world crashed. I was so lost, with the loss of my uncle, and then the loss of him, I completely lost whatever of myself I even had. There was no way I could love myself, no way I could ever embrace the person I was. So I did what I did best. I faked it. I faked confidence, I went with the flow. I said sure to whatever, going into a relationship I probably wasn’t even completely ready for. So I faked being the best girlfriend ever, got attached anyways, and let him into my life. A little too much into my life. I gave a few stories about my past, and then after a while I became distant. Because I grew afraid, of getting hurt again. With that fear, I faked everything. Though I was attached, I faked being the best girlfriend, till I could convince myself I was. Faked it till I would make it. I never made it. But I did end up hanging out with some of the best people ever, who indeed, showed me how to love myself, even if it was only a little.

That summer break was like the turning point of this highschool story. I was still in a slump, still upset, and with little to no motivation. I slept in a dark room during the day, since it had no windows, and headed out once in a while to meet up with a friend in Manhattan, or to walk the city alone. My mind would be blank, and only with music bouncing around in my head from my headphones. I spoke with some friends over messenger, cried more because I was told some of the people I thought were friends, really weren’t my friends. And then he came back in my life and smacked some light back into me. Told me not to let a boy be the end of my “spark”. Though he was in a relationship with someone, and so we became close friends once more. Star crossed cruise lover, to silence, to friends again. In this sequence, I realized I never completely got over him, and I hated myself for it for a while. But he gave me some motivation, and at this point, I was desperate for some motivation. I looked at colleges, I started to sing again, I tried to go to an openhouse for an arts academy. I returned to NC with a goal to come back to NY for college. I was slowly picking myself back up.

I became so busy, busy with myself, busy making myself busy. Occupying myself till I couldn’t just sit in a room for longer than a minute. I needed to do things, I needed to improve. I worked on myself. I sang, and I practiced a little bit of instruments (that i still have yet to master), I acted to my best ability, and I took dancing back up. With his help, I began to appreciate myself for me, but not quite. I still had a piece of me missing, that I absolutely hated. Skipping a bit more. I’m dating him again.

Jokes about plans of revenge, that could have been taken seriously, or shrugged off. Warnings and reminders of how broken I was the first time. And I dated him again anyways. And i’m happy. With myself. He was so much more vital to me than I realized. With him, and my best of friends, they put me back together. They plucked out the worst in me and told me, it’s okay. Every flaw, every quirk, it’s who I was, and that’s what made me who I am. It’s what made them support me so much, care for me, worry for me. Hey, if these goofs could love me this much despite everything about me, why couldn’t I love myself? I started to accept myself as they accepted me. I learned to love myself, so I could care for them more. I learned to love myself for reasons that would completely contradict this entire post, yet at the same time make so much sense.

So here I am, typing this novel-esque status. Basically saying, senior year, its been the best year so far. I learned to love myself, I have the best friends ever, the most caring and loving boyfriend ever. All these people in my life, Karen, Jaylynn, Grayson, these people made me proud. With their achievements, and at the same time, helping me piece myself back together when I was in my worst. So here I am, in tears because of the journey I’ve made in highschool. The 4 years that i’ve spent 3 of hating myself, and the 1 year I finally accepted myself. Because of the genuine love i’ve received, made up for all the love I gave. Except this love was not love I could give away. It was love they’ve invested into me, to make sure I could love myself. And it worked.

Senior year.

The last year of what people would say “the easiest part of your life”.

This struggle to love myself.

It’s all over now.

Senior year.

I learned how to love myself, and I learned who in my life deserves to be loved. Over these few years, the best of the best have stayed with me, and have supported me. Rarely have they hurt me and not made up for it 10x than the damage done. Because of them I’m more confident in myself. Some people would say, it’s rather sad I needed other people to learn to love myself. Well, that’s fine. I’m just glad they’re in my life. I’m glad they could help me grow. I can confidently say that yes, I love myself. With so much more love to spare for the world, but for now, they’re on a mainstream current to my friends and my love. Because of them, I could make it on my own. But lets just hope they stay in my life for a very, very long time. ❤

Late

As I sit here late at night, scribbling away on my sketch pad and hopelessly trying to type words that I can barely spell without hitting back, I smile and think. Maybe its the coffee that keeps me hyper (most likely), or maybe it’s the thought of him. The thoughts of knowing how committed he is to a silly girl like me, who lives states and states away. To a girl who, if you look at a map, doesn’t seem like that far away, but then again those 300+ miles certainly change your point of view when you can’t hold them each day.

But then again, I think. Maybe it’s because he’s so far, everything is so much more special. The fact there’s always some sort of romance, and if not romance, complete bliss from just being there. Like best friends who haven’t seen each other in a lifetime, and just goofing around is enough. Just a few flirty words is enough. Just imagination and knowing their heart reaches out to you miles and miles away is…almost enough. But it’s more than enough too. The longing, the wishing, the waiting. It will all be worth it in the end and we both know.

Oh the anxiousness, that the day we will meet is getting nearer and nearer each day, yet at the same time, it is so far away. But we stay strong, we stay focused. We live our lives separately, but together at the same time. Its late at night where these thoughts come to me, where they don’t make sense but they make so much sense to me at the same time, and so I put them down in words that other people can read. Words that people can either get completely lost, or completely understand. Words that can either touch  your heart or go right over your head. But my thoughts, as I put them down in this post, still linger on him. My mind is in a permanent state of absolute wonder. How I’ve met this boy completely by chance on a cruise ship we both were surprised we could even get on. How we both thought each other to be just another person to meet and forget until a few days later when we actually connected. How by chance both our families managed to save just enough to get on the same cruise at the same time, so that we could kiss and fall into a sense tingling wonder under those colorful dance lights, with drowning out words that I can’t even remember from the music that loudly played.

And here we are, he’s most likely asleep. Dreaming, while I sit here in the dark, drinking coffee, sketching, typing..Presents waiting to be delivered, thoughts waiting to be shared, ideas forming in my mind as I plan and plan for the upcoming holidays. And I think..

These things are temporary replacements

Written words soon to be spoken.
Typing hands soon to be interlocked.
Drawings soon to be pictures.
Shipping soon to be personally given.

And all these will be even more special. Because I know I will be so thankful, because I will remember now. This time where everything was tested by patience. And I will cherish the immediacy, I will cherish the physical presence. Each little moment shared over the internet, Skype, Facebook, Snapchat…whether it just be sitting in silence together, soon to be sitting in silence together in person. I will forever be in a sense of wonder. Forever in appreciation of the present. Forever feeling as if I am dreaming.

Because these thoughts, these thoughts make me realize who we are, what we are, and how special he is to me. And I can’t wait to personally look into his eyes and feel arms around me once more.

Happy ending

Happy endings huh? Well I guess I have one. Hopeful and cliché most likely. I wouldn’t call it the ending though, rather a start to a new life. I can have millions of happy endings, and each would set me down a path of bliss or struggles but in the end those moments are the key essentials to where I am now and where I would be.

But anyways, the idea of this post was to tell you about my idea of a happy ending would be with my significant other.

Currently my hopeful dreams of a happy ending would be in a nice house in the suburban parts of New York, with my dog Loki running around in the backyard, or resting in the shade depending on how he ages. My S/O would come home from doing some business with the Navy, and I’d come home from auditions or from rehearsals for a TV show or a play/musical. We’d have nice cars, to park under a tent garage, as the actual garage would’ve been renovated into a dance studio like in the Silver linings playbook. But my significant other and I would always come home to each other, whether our days were completely horrible, or amazing we could just hold each other for minutes, as if we haven’t seen each other in years. We’d help each other make dinner, or just order takeout, and dance and goof around in the process. I imagine our future to continue to be a chilled out relationship, where we’d cuddle, and still continue to do our own things. Maybe watch some TV, or movies, or play video games together. But that is a happy ending I hope to have.

But then again, any ending that has him actively in my life, would be happy regardless. Anywhere with him would be an amazing home. Anytime we’d have together, whether it’d be minutes or days (preferably days, but I won’t be picky), any time i’d have with him i’d be just content to know he is mine, and I get some time with him. The small moments we could have together, with our busy lives, in person, over the phone, i’d be happy. Of course I’d want more time, more of him, but I’d be happy with anything that’d I’d get. As long as I knew he loved me, and he would come whenever he has time, or i’d go to him whenever he has time. I’d be happy. Even if the only time I’d have contact with him, was to bring him lunch, or if he could join me on set or for a dinner or lunch meeting. These small moment’s I would also appreciate.

Because he is my happy ending. Any situation we’d end up in, if we’re together, I’d be happy.

Ingress

She walked out into the world, step by step from her front door, and down the porch stairs. Her scanner showed her, she was in a green mist. Algae has infested the blue fields she was normally used to, and she wouldn’t stand for it. She bounded off, her converse hitting the ground with each step she took that propelled her forward, 500m, 450m, 400m. She got closer and closer to her first target, 300m, 250m, 200m, 150m. She had her scanner in hand and ready to fire, the enemy portal close in range as she shot her first ultrastrike, attacking the highest level resonator, taking it out before attacking the rest with an XMP. Her burster getting a 20% Crit chance. But the portal wouldn’t neutralize easy, it attacked her back, as she lost exotic matter, almost too focused on her attacks to realize how much XM she was losing. She had to stop and open a power cube, regenerating herself some XM as she continued to attack. Finally neutralizing the portal, destroying the sea of algae. But it would take some time for the blue ocean she was used to, to return. She smiled a bit as she set the portal back online, for her team. The portal that was once green, now blue. She set up resonators, and portal shields, and hacking it for more items to use, and also obtaining the portal’s key. She saw there was another blue portal on her scanner, about 250m away. She stretched out towards the sky before she began to walk towards it. Planning to make a link between the two portals, and recharging her teammates resonators. When she got there, she saw it was missing a few resonators, so she replaced them with some of her own. Though she was a lower level, she still could contribute, then making the portal linkable to any other portals she had keys for. She sat down for a bit, linking this portal to her own, as well as several others, before she hacked the portal one last time, and headed home. It was getting dark, and her scanner needed to recharge for the night. She felt satisfied, with the distance she walked this day, and the amount of work she did. Though she knew, compared to other days, it wasn’t that much done, but it was the first time in a while, that she has left the house. The portals, and the thrill gave her reason to go. Her team needed her, and she felt like she did alright.

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Inspired by the mobile game, Ingress

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Love

All these little boys and girls
Thinking they know what love is
throwing the word around
Like it was nobody, and everybody’s business
But what they forget to learn
Is how love really felt
When their momma or their papa
or both
Told you words that made your problems melt
When they told them the world
was in their palms
When the radio was singing sad songs
and you couldn’t go on any further.
What these children never realize to see
how love should turn out to be
That falling in love shouldnt always be as easy
as 1, 2, 3
That abuse was not okay
and “they’re mean because they like you”
should never continue on to this very day
That love evolves over time
and you shouldn’t keep looking at the same lines
in several different stories
And love should, and shouldn’t be
your greatest worries.
They didn’t acknowledge
That love is a law
Unspoken word poems, that made your heart thaw
But it’ll freeze
and burn without notice
Until it just takes over your mind, but you’ll still know this
Love is a muse
and unique to each person
Not every love should be the same
But still make your heart beat to the rhythm
Broken dialects, and uneven lines
Continuous bars, and dilapidated rhymes.
Children love, but rarely ever know
How heartbreaking beautiful
The music really goes.

91915. 9-1-9-1-5. 

What in the world could these numbers possibly mean? Random numbers that seem to flow nicely together? A nice hourly income that I won’t have? How about a new start to a relationship I’ve in all honesty, missed. Where I suddenly can’t help but smile every time he seems even the smallest bit excited. Or grin when he calls be beautiful or that he’s proud of me for literally doing nothing; Well nothing in my opinion. A relationship where we can casually insult and laugh at each other and know it’s out of love, or just stare at our webcams for minutes smiling before I burst into a nervous fit of giggles. Yes, I said webcam. This beautiful relationship that I’ve missed so dearly, well, it’s long distance. 

At least I hope for not too long. We’re planning out a road trip, where my friend and someone else of his choice drives from NC (where I live currently) to IN (where he is <3) to NY. Where I’m moving in wit my dad, and he will take a plane home, and my friend will drive home with his friend. That’s the plan anyways, and I really hope it works out because I miss him. The only concern is, I have no ways of income. I’m not allowed to drive let alone have a job, which really sucks and makes me worry about how this all is going to happen. As well as if my dad wants to go the Philippines with me this summer, which would be lovely, but I really wanna see Grayson. 

But in all seriousness. I’m a huge advocate for LDR’s. They’re lovely, and to make a long rant short, they do wonders to make you appreciate small things in life which includes, stopping to smell the flowers. (Bigger rant maybe in another post? Comment below yes or no!) And I love him. And don’t worry, I’ve met him before. Spring break of 2014, he was my first kiss on a brisk dark night, on a cruise. (Again another story for another time, comment below if interested) But that is when my feelings probably first began to bloom, which stayed while we dated, and hibernated when we weren’t dating, and now it’s all waking up all over again and I can’t but feel anxious. How will this go? Is it safe to give my all? I may need some time to get used to being in this magically miraculous relationship once more, but I feel like this experience is worth reliving. Call me crazy, but I’m happy. And I’d be crazier if I were to turn this down when I feel so alive with him. 

Me

I’m an artistic person. I love to sing, dance, play instruments, write, draw, and act. It’s really who I am. Though I may occasionally update to youtube, or soundcloud (probably will do that more when I get a mic, which thankfully will be on its way), or wattpad, etc etc, it doesn’t mean i’m actively putting myself out there to be noticed. I put it out there for me, to know I’ve done something, that i’m passionate enough about something that I would post it where anyone could see and judge me. That I would gladly post something out of sheer boredom or burst of inspiration, even if it were never to be seen. Something that one day I could look back on, and laugh at myself for doing it. Cringe at my old stories and updates, shake my head at how bad I was at something, and how I thought I was good at it, and feel content with the progress I have made. I’m an artistic person, I’d love to be known for something I love to do. But I will not actively search for opportunities, at least not yet. Not until i’m certain I need to, or If I’m pushed to do it because I feel like it would make the people I care for proud of me. But anything I put out there on the big wide web, it’s for me. It’s to make me feel good, about something I’ve done. That I’ve put my voice out there, and I’ve made some kind of contribution to this social web, regardless of being heard or not. I do it for me. I do it to learn that I am brave, I am passionate about my hobbies. It’s for me, and for my entertainment, and for my proof, and my future reminiscing. So future me, if you’re reading this, regardless of it being 5, 10, or 20 years from now. You’re welcome.

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Skype

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There’s nothing like joining a Skype call in the middle of a Trump debate. Which then escalates to questions about the failure of sex ed in schools, to Steven Universe theories. Why there was still a Skype call at 1 in the morning? Well simply put, we don’t really have any lives and we’re all sad (not really, we’re pretty happy) nerds, lost in a world of hormones and prejudiced adults that we all disapprove of.

At the same time I’m yelling at my dog to hush up as he continued to bark because he was too loud. Anyways i’m looking at the various different types of subscription crates you could get. If you are a reader that doesn’t know what a subscription crate is, it’s basically a small box that gets shipped to your house every month (unless you cancel) that’s filled with random things of whatever you chose. For example, if you chose one that would ship you makeup/care products, you’d get a box filled with random makeup/care products that correlate with the months theme. Seems pretty cool right? Well I can’t decide what kind of crate I want. I kinda want something nerdy, but at the same time I want snacks. The snacks mainly because i’m hungry right now. I’m not even sure if I will get a crate, because I don’t want to waste my dear friend’s money on something I would forget about after i’m bored. (Thank you dear friend, if you are reading this, and you probably are.) Hm, maybe i’ll just get something cheap, or ask him to order me pizza haha, I don’t know.

Well its almost 4 in the morning now, and yes, i’ve had this draft open for like 2-3 hours, and the skype call has finally ended. Thus I should probably stop this update here.

Goodnight/Morning my beautiful chicken nuggets. I promise not to eat you in your dreams, unless you’re into that. Then you are delicious. ♥

Chicken

Can someone please explain to me, why it is, the corner of my room smells like chicken? Quite a random thing, but it does. And I promise you, though I’ve eaten many, perfectly made, chicken sandwiches as of late, I spilled none, nor is there any hiding under my bed. It might be my dog’s fault. Who knows what Loki’s been up to in my room whenever I leave the house. Eh who knows, maybe I’m just going insane from not sleeping at a time a normal teenager should sleep at. Then again what’s even normal these days?

I have school in exactly one week from now that I think about it, I should really work on putting my sleep clock back under control but that would deem a lot harder to do, now that my body has been accustomed to not sleeping at night, and then waking up around 2 in the afternoon.

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Oh Mistah J, Save me from this Madness! I’ve gone nocturnal and even my dreams aren’t blessed with your face anymore!

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Well I best get off this place and actually try to close my eyes. It’s 6:07 in the morning and I cant start to fix my sleeping schedule if I stay up at night, writing random things on a blog no one would read. But hey, blogging bandwagon! I’m on it. For now at least until I get completely bored, or no longer remember that this blog exists. Whichever comes first. Goodnight, or morning. Depends on your timezones I guess. Peace out girl scouts and save me a thin mint cookie. ♥