Late

As I sit here late at night, scribbling away on my sketch pad and hopelessly trying to type words that I can barely spell without hitting back, I smile and think. Maybe its the coffee that keeps me hyper (most likely), or maybe it’s the thought of him. The thoughts of knowing how committed he is to a silly girl like me, who lives states and states away. To a girl who, if you look at a map, doesn’t seem like that far away, but then again those 300+ miles certainly change your point of view when you can’t hold them each day.

But then again, I think. Maybe it’s because he’s so far, everything is so much more special. The fact there’s always some sort of romance, and if not romance, complete bliss from just being there. Like best friends who haven’t seen each other in a lifetime, and just goofing around is enough. Just a few flirty words is enough. Just imagination and knowing their heart reaches out to you miles and miles away is…almost enough. But it’s more than enough too. The longing, the wishing, the waiting. It will all be worth it in the end and we both know.

Oh the anxiousness, that the day we will meet is getting nearer and nearer each day, yet at the same time, it is so far away. But we stay strong, we stay focused. We live our lives separately, but together at the same time. Its late at night where these thoughts come to me, where they don’t make sense but they make so much sense to me at the same time, and so I put them down in words that other people can read. Words that people can either get completely lost, or completely understand. Words that can either touch  your heart or go right over your head. But my thoughts, as I put them down in this post, still linger on him. My mind is in a permanent state of absolute wonder. How I’ve met this boy completely by chance on a cruise ship we both were surprised we could even get on. How we both thought each other to be just another person to meet and forget until a few days later when we actually connected. How by chance both our families managed to save just enough to get on the same cruise at the same time, so that we could kiss and fall into a sense tingling wonder under those colorful dance lights, with drowning out words that I can’t even remember from the music that loudly played.

And here we are, he’s most likely asleep. Dreaming, while I sit here in the dark, drinking coffee, sketching, typing..Presents waiting to be delivered, thoughts waiting to be shared, ideas forming in my mind as I plan and plan for the upcoming holidays. And I think..

These things are temporary replacements

Written words soon to be spoken.
Typing hands soon to be interlocked.
Drawings soon to be pictures.
Shipping soon to be personally given.

And all these will be even more special. Because I know I will be so thankful, because I will remember now. This time where everything was tested by patience. And I will cherish the immediacy, I will cherish the physical presence. Each little moment shared over the internet, Skype, Facebook, Snapchat…whether it just be sitting in silence together, soon to be sitting in silence together in person. I will forever be in a sense of wonder. Forever in appreciation of the present. Forever feeling as if I am dreaming.

Because these thoughts, these thoughts make me realize who we are, what we are, and how special he is to me. And I can’t wait to personally look into his eyes and feel arms around me once more.

Happy ending

Happy endings huh? Well I guess I have one. Hopeful and cliché most likely. I wouldn’t call it the ending though, rather a start to a new life. I can have millions of happy endings, and each would set me down a path of bliss or struggles but in the end those moments are the key essentials to where I am now and where I would be.

But anyways, the idea of this post was to tell you about my idea of a happy ending would be with my significant other.

Currently my hopeful dreams of a happy ending would be in a nice house in the suburban parts of New York, with my dog Loki running around in the backyard, or resting in the shade depending on how he ages. My S/O would come home from doing some business with the Navy, and I’d come home from auditions or from rehearsals for a TV show or a play/musical. We’d have nice cars, to park under a tent garage, as the actual garage would’ve been renovated into a dance studio like in the Silver linings playbook. But my significant other and I would always come home to each other, whether our days were completely horrible, or amazing we could just hold each other for minutes, as if we haven’t seen each other in years. We’d help each other make dinner, or just order takeout, and dance and goof around in the process. I imagine our future to continue to be a chilled out relationship, where we’d cuddle, and still continue to do our own things. Maybe watch some TV, or movies, or play video games together. But that is a happy ending I hope to have.

But then again, any ending that has him actively in my life, would be happy regardless. Anywhere with him would be an amazing home. Anytime we’d have together, whether it’d be minutes or days (preferably days, but I won’t be picky), any time i’d have with him i’d be just content to know he is mine, and I get some time with him. The small moments we could have together, with our busy lives, in person, over the phone, i’d be happy. Of course I’d want more time, more of him, but I’d be happy with anything that’d I’d get. As long as I knew he loved me, and he would come whenever he has time, or i’d go to him whenever he has time. I’d be happy. Even if the only time I’d have contact with him, was to bring him lunch, or if he could join me on set or for a dinner or lunch meeting. These small moment’s I would also appreciate.

Because he is my happy ending. Any situation we’d end up in, if we’re together, I’d be happy.

HOW DARE YOU.

HOW DARE YOU!
You people who dare to turn a tragedy into fear against religion. Who use these horrible events to make a point for your political view points. How. Dare. You. People of France, are uniting to mourn, and you unite to instill fear into others, and for what? So that they don’t focus on the tragedy at hand, and so that they can focus on how you think you’re right! What kind of human being twists the suffering of one, to their own gain? Not one, as even a villain has some sense of moral. Terrorism has no religion. No god, or teachings would tell one to kill another. Adding guns into a state of panic and confusion would not help a situation. It would turn worse. Not everyone has perfect aim, or a bad guy radar, or x-ray vision to see who the attackers are. So how dare you take advantage of this catastrophe for your own advantage.

I am horrified. I am disgusted.

You should be ashamed.

People of France I stand with you. I applaud you for taking this time to not only remain united in these tragic events, but for also defending Muslims against ignorant bigotry.

Do you still love me?

I’m scared.
I’m frightened
I don’t want you to go.
My mind is slowly eating away at my soul, and I’m not sure of what I’m going to do.
It’s most likely just my emotions
Getting out of hand like it does each month.
But my fears are making me lose control.
My
Mind
Is
Distorted
With the paranoia of being left behind
Please don’t
Forget
Me
Tell me you love me
Tell me I’m still needed
Don’t Let my heart become as
Broken
As
My
Words
My fears are breaking me apart.
Help me
I need to get it together
I’m Scared.
Please Stay with Me.

Dear Former Bully

Why?
What did I do, that made you believe that I
Deserved such resentment
That caused me to believe
That I did deserve it.

Why?
How many times did you
Have to talk about me
To make yourself the superiority
as I became melancholy.

Why?
Did it make you feel better
To know I was suffering?
Or do you now feel guilt
and regret every little thing.

Please.
Know that I am scarred
My insecurities
Putting my mind at war

Please.
Keep in mind you broke me
My confidence in life
is not where is should be

Remember.
Though you may not realize
That back then, I wasn’t as strong
But that doesn’t change
The fact that you were wrong
So
Thank you.
For giving me a push.
My life is a mess, but
I can only do so much.