Unspoken Words

So this will definitely be the last post I make on this blog, at least LDR wise. Maybe i’ll write more in the future with other topics, who knows. We’ve broken up several months back, while I was on spring break for my anxiously awaited auditions in NYC. (I made it into AADA, though decided to take a year off due to finances and personal reasons, such as, getting myself together.) Though after the breakup there came a tantrum, one I was hoping for maturity could help avoid. In which I was accused, of so many things, as if I never tried on my end.

Though I am over the situation now, I still want someone to hear my side of the story, because I never got to say it. I never got to argue it. And that is fine, but I’ll be damned if he’s the only victim here. (Not that I’m saying it isn’t my fault.)

I loved him.

I really did.

With All Of My Heart.

I was there for him, I helped him out, I listened to his stories of his childhood, I let him vent and pour out things to me he wouldn’t tell others out of pride. I cried, and I tried to hold back because he, in my opinion, had enough on his plate. A trait I’ve always had, and still have. Bottling up my own thoughts and insecurities for the sake of others, because my problems were another entree to add to their plates. He tried to help, and maybe he put a lot more effort forward than I thought he did, but sometimes there wasn’t even a reason to why I cried. I was and am a broken mess, that may be as ungrateful as I am said to be. A liar in the midst of a lie waiting to happen. However, I never anticipated this. When I said what I said I was genuine.

I’d still be there for him, if he asked me to be. No matter how angry I am, how upset I was. But hey.

It was my fault.

I fell out of love, when he needed me the most. Forgotten that warm fuzzy feeling in the midst of anxiety and disbelief. The time taken apart only gave me a taste of what I could’ve been and that was free. And it’s sad to say that being in as love with him as I used to, that what chained me down was what made me fly. Or at least used to fly.

The wings I attained when we first started dating. The very first time. He asked me out at 2:16 in the morning, the day I was to first go off to babysit these children for a month straight. I was gonna stay there, and have breaks to go home on certain days of the week. I was excited, I kept texting him and he kept texting me. This boy I met on the cruise, making me smile in a pitch black living room, on the couch, where my iPod illuminated my face. I remember squealing and internally screaming “YES YES OF COURSE I WOULD YES!”. And the long distance relationship went swimmingly. Then the first damper of the relationship came. He told me he was accidentally dating another girl, closer to him. I remember how fast my heart sunk, the weather to match how I felt. Dull. Cloudy, slightly damp. My glasses fogged up from how embarrassed I was, not because of what he did, but because I was so happy the entire time, and that I never knew. He’s apologized since then, even stopped talking to her, at least that I know of. I wonder how she is actually, (not in a mean or petty way, just genuinely.) I never knew this girl, however she must’ve been amazing in order for him to have said yes. Ongoing, he tried to make up for it, in anyway possible. But then he got very sick, and my uncle at the time as well had lung cancer (though I never found out until he was diagnosed to be in stage 4). He forgot many things, and vented to people I didn’t know because he as well did not want to bother me, or felt like there were things I could just not be told. He became close to these people, had her over for dinner with his family that loved her, had tickle fights, and long conversations about how he was. She was just a friend, he’d say. I’d believe him, with doubts, but I believed him. Time goes by, and I muster up the courage to tell my parents about the wonderful boy I’ve been talking to, dating. I was under the impression of, my parents being strict. A steel fist over my life in which I had no control over. That they would freak, take away all my means of communication with him. But I finally did it, I broke that nervewrecking barrier between me and my parents. My mother first, then my dad, who lived in NY away from me. My dad was the calmest, and he wished me luck. And I turned 17 the next day. I couldve spent that day in the hospital with my uncle. But I couldn’t stand to see him so week. I think back at how selfish that was, and how I could’ve spent his last day with him, the last time he’d be there for my birthday. He died the next morning. I remember bawling my eyes out in psychology, texting him about what happened, and my best friend sitting next to me, giving me hugs and reassurance. The uncle I looked up to for a while because my father was never really physically in my life was gone. The day was numb for me, and I don’t remember much but tears that day. I remember the next day my family was all at my house, my cousins, my other aunts and uncles, and we we’re planning for the open casket the next day. He wanted to talk. So I secluded myself in my room, than my other aunt and uncle were occupying later that night to sleep in. And he broke up with me.

After I told my parents about him.

After my birthday.

After My Uncle Died.

And a week later, I’m told by his friends that he was dating the girl that was just a friend.

Just A Friend.

I’m told they started dating the day after we broke up. The same night he was telling me that he was ready to give up his life because of his sickness, the same night that followed after I stared at my uncles corpse, in a wooden open box, asleep, and never to wake again and I couldn’t even cry over his death, because I was too busy being hurt that He Left Me When I Needed Him The Most.

For Her.

She’s one of the girls who would tag him in everything, I still had him as a friend on social media. I saw a picture of them together with a date, about a month or two before we even broke up. His friend told my friend, because he couldn’t tell me and see me hurt. And she told me, he cheated. Though he denies this now but that date picture was imprinted in my mind for months. I self harmed. I became Jaded. I cried, threw a tantrum, but never spoke a word to him about it. I dated another guy who I’m sure I loved but couldn’t give all the attention he deserved or wanted, and I probably hurt him the most, because I just wanted to move on.

But It Was My Fault.

I trusted him, I gave him my heart unconditionally, through sickness, and health. He hurt me once, and he did it again. But he’s sorry. He’s apologized. It’s all it takes.

I’m Sorry.

About six to eight months later, I took him back. Because the boy I loved while I was jaded broke up with me the day before my leave for NYC for the rest of the summer. I didn’t give him enough attention, I didn’t return his texts for I had no phone and relied heavily on WiFi. In which I barely ever had, because I always snuck out with people who probably werent as great friends as I thought, but together with them we were trouble. But I took him back, he apologized, showed me he was better, kinder, sincere.And I took him back, with the intentions of, if he were to even begin to hurt me or hold me back in any way I would not stand for it and I’d leave. And the relationship went well. Very well. I got to visit him for the first time, I had this blog to spill every happy feeling I had about him, about us. And I joined a school musical, in which I was so excited for. As I felt it could help me gain experience for the future I hope for in theatre. I was Lucy, (or well the understudy, but that didn’t last too long) in the musical You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown. I practiced my lines, in which he got tired of hearing, my songs, which got annoying after a while, since I only really practiced my characters big number for a while, because it was the only one I really knew. I became devoted to practice, and we spoke less and less between our own schooling and his hanging out with friends. I felt the musical was my way of spending the time wasted on waiting for him to check his phone. He had his DEP meetings, in which I tried to help him prepare for when I could, as well as practice for my musical on my own time by myself. I started a group skype chat with my cast mates, due to weather that caused the lack of ability to practice lines together in person, and I added him into the chat to let him know what I was doing, even if he was states and states away. The Cast knew him, and he kinda knew them. You become very close friends with your cast mates, especially with all the time you spend together with them, they all became very great friends to me. I even had a running gag with one of them, who played Schroeder in the musical. If you’ve followed the Charlie Brown Peanuts strips, you would know how deeply in love Lucy is with Schroeder, and how deeply not in love he was with her. Our gag was I’d act in love with him (in character) and he’d dramatically sigh and roll his eyes and blankly respond. Though with us being opposite genders people began to think that this gag should go further into reality in which I strongly objected, as I already had someone. And I loved him dearly and wouldn’t ask for someone else. I wore my promise ring proudly to school, in a way to ward off the rumors, though it didn’t help much. My player 1 bracelet which matched his player 2 bracelet would also always be adorned. As time continued, my little skype group became so close friends that we’d act together in public to protect each other if needed. Ships were made, and denied. Jealousy between exes fueled the same ships. Schroeder’s ex absolutely hated me, because she thought I made him so happy, when she left him. He couldnt take it anymore, the girl who played Sally and I agreed that he shouldn’t ever go back to her again. Yet I, with the promise ring, matching bracelet, and crazy devoted to a man states away, was the object of this jealousy, in which I never understood. The jealousy also shared with my then boyfriend. I was so into the musical, so into our inside jokes, to realize that he was becoming jealous. And when I did realize I always reassured him, he was just a friend. In which I remained to, faithfully, him. But with the jealousy he became more serious about us, almost smotheringly. He needed my attention and I tried to give it to him, in between skype practices and calls. I helped him with his navy memorization, and practiced monologues and audition songs on my own, as they made him “get into his feels” so much that it made him upset. So I continued to help him, and go on mute to practice by myself. Or I’d tell him to turn down his volume so my cast mates could help me. As time goes on, stress begins to build, as well as anxiety. I continued to help him but broke down during a rehearsal. The musical was coming up fast, the musical assembly in which we previewed a few songs (assembly went horrible, but the dress rehearsal for elementary kids afterwards went amazing), my auditions were coming up, and i’d be in NYC. So I kept practicing, I kept helping, everyone knew I was going to NY the following weekend, and my teacher/director acknowledged that in the bows.

Speaking to him he forgot.

Forgot I had a musical performance.

Forgot I had auditions the same weekend.

Forgot I was flying up to NYC.

But that’s okay, he had enough on his mind with the navy and all. So that weekend I spoke with my cast a bit more, and he remained out of the calls, as he had for a while as he felt there was no need for him to be there anymore. They reassured me on my auditions, and I went through them fast and confidently, with a big Hello, smile, and Thank you for your time. But I needed more time. For myself, the stress was too much for me. I called a break. And I thought for a week, I asked for a week, I talked for a week to everyone but him. And it wasnt until his friend, the same one who indirectly told me he cheated, told me to stay with him that I decided that I need to do what would make me happy. And so after that week, I broke it off. Schroeder was also in NYC with his family, and I hung out with him and my friend (who was the one his friend told that he cheated). I was going to prom with Schroeder as a ongoing joke, and originally as friends. My significant other was furious. He said he was always there for me, and I was never there for him. He assumed it was because of someone else. He said that this was all bullshit and that I may have never ever loved him, and to hear him say that my heart broke even more. Even though I was the one who ended it I never thought he’d be this angry. He wanted me to return the promise ring, a ring that didn’t promise marriage, but promised he’d always be there for me no matter what, no matter our situation or severance of relationship. I was shocked, that he handled this so much more different than I did when he left me first. I was upset, that the unrealistic promise wasn’t kept. I cried again over him in which would’ve not been my last tears over him. And he unfriended me on social media, my best friend cussed him out (after he messaged his goodbyes to her as if they were the best of friends as well, But he never really spoke with my friends like I spoke with his. I was much closer to his friends than he was with mine.) about the bullshit he put me through, and how he shouldn’t have the right to be that angry. I blocked him everywhere else, after he sent me a long severance message when I returned to NC, about how he expected more from me, that I hurt him, and that I was never to contact him or to send him a letter in training, and that I could keep the shiny plastic costume ring that didnt fit my finger without tape, as he felt it would be unfair as he would keep everything else I’ve given him. About   month later, of not talking to him, and Schroeder being kind and comforting, understanding, and oh so patient, I started to date Schroeder. This Enraged my then ex. He “knew” all along that I cared for him, even though my feelings for him didn’t really develop until how bad he acted during our breakup. When  I realized I deserved better, than a rock with a marshmallow core. And he will continue to want to keep words unsaid, and by words, I believe he really means mine. As I felt he’s already said everything. The argument of “He was only just a friend” Even though I was genuine, and he was not.

But he’s apologized. And he’s denied. And no more words can be said to him.

And then he blocked me, without giving a thought to let me respond “I hope all goes well for you too”.

But if he were to see this i’m sure he’d get angry. How dare I make myself the victim when It’s All My Fault. How dare I even try to tell my side of the story, when His is all that matters. 

But I’d sincerely be welcome to being his friend once more. Just Like We Promised. So Hey, If you’re reading this, and have the courage to message me and let me respond. go for it. But don’t argue your side of my story when I’ve already heard it a million times, please. If you want to ever be friends, and just friends, as I could never see you the same again after what has happened on my side, i’m here for you. To be honest I’ll always be there for you if you need me. But you don’t, you’ve improved yourself, at least I hope you did within a few months. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for the boy who kissed me under the full moon, in the middle of the ocean. But never a place in my heart for the boy who victimized himself entirely without listening to me for once. Because this entire post is my side. Not a monologue to make you upset, not a song sang over and over again. But my side, my unsaid to you side.

And so with that, I end with this.

I loved you.

I’m sorry I don’t feel the same anymore.

But I won’t let you tear me apart anymore when you’re not even there to hurt me.

I’m moving on.

I

just

want

to

be

happy.

And I hope you find Happiness too.

---

Love yourself

There was a time in my life when I didn’t know how to love myself. I questioned everything I did, why I did it, what I was gonna do with myself, and why would I think the thoughts I thought. I was rather insecure, a cry baby, and extremely sensitive to everything. Getting picked on during this time period was the worst, I had to go to a self esteem group in the guidance office for it, though it really didn’t help much. It actually wasn’t until I became a freshman that I slightly toughened up. But I still didn’t really love myself, but I still embraced others. I gave everyone else the love and worry and care that they needed, because not only would it make them feel better, but it made me feel good that I could make someone smile, someone a little more confident in themselves, especially when I didn’t know how to. So in a way, helping others, I helped myself. I became the secret keeper, the advice giver, the one who offered hugs when you needed them the most. The quiet girl in the back, who was absolutely crazy with her closest friends, but was always approachable.

The next year I joined a few clubs, became a little more social. With that widened social group, I learned that being nice was good, but being too nice would get you teased and picked on. After a while you just become a cute little thing that everyone loves. I’d constantly get hugs, and randomly lifted from how tiny I was (and am, but thankfully not as tiny as before). I remained the mediator, between friends and people I knew for a few days. I had so many “friends” that I began to question which ones were real and which weren’t. So I tried a little thing where I became the weirdest person ever, only the craziest of friends would stay with me, weeded out the weak as some would say. Heck, I even started to actually do theatre. I was a 9 year old little boy who thought he was a brown bear. Granted this weird me carried onto the cruise that I went on that year, after that cruise I became somewhat of a mess with a relationship with a guy from Kentucky. Didn’t end pretty, and I definitely did not love myself then.

Come junior year, I was a little more confident in myself. I’ve started dating my first kiss from the cruise. I tried to be my best me for him that was possible. Even if it meant hiding the majority of my clingy-ness from my constant need of attention that I had, because well, he made me feel good. Like I could do anything, I could be anything. Only hoping I did the same for him, so when he needed space, I gave space. So much space because I knew he had his own life, I wasn’t gonna pull him away from it just to talk to me through a computer or iPod. Skipping a bit, when that ended, my world crashed. I was so lost, with the loss of my uncle, and then the loss of him, I completely lost whatever of myself I even had. There was no way I could love myself, no way I could ever embrace the person I was. So I did what I did best. I faked it. I faked confidence, I went with the flow. I said sure to whatever, going into a relationship I probably wasn’t even completely ready for. So I faked being the best girlfriend ever, got attached anyways, and let him into my life. A little too much into my life. I gave a few stories about my past, and then after a while I became distant. Because I grew afraid, of getting hurt again. With that fear, I faked everything. Though I was attached, I faked being the best girlfriend, till I could convince myself I was. Faked it till I would make it. I never made it. But I did end up hanging out with some of the best people ever, who indeed, showed me how to love myself, even if it was only a little.

That summer break was like the turning point of this highschool story. I was still in a slump, still upset, and with little to no motivation. I slept in a dark room during the day, since it had no windows, and headed out once in a while to meet up with a friend in Manhattan, or to walk the city alone. My mind would be blank, and only with music bouncing around in my head from my headphones. I spoke with some friends over messenger, cried more because I was told some of the people I thought were friends, really weren’t my friends. And then he came back in my life and smacked some light back into me. Told me not to let a boy be the end of my “spark”. Though he was in a relationship with someone, and so we became close friends once more. Star crossed cruise lover, to silence, to friends again. In this sequence, I realized I never completely got over him, and I hated myself for it for a while. But he gave me some motivation, and at this point, I was desperate for some motivation. I looked at colleges, I started to sing again, I tried to go to an openhouse for an arts academy. I returned to NC with a goal to come back to NY for college. I was slowly picking myself back up.

I became so busy, busy with myself, busy making myself busy. Occupying myself till I couldn’t just sit in a room for longer than a minute. I needed to do things, I needed to improve. I worked on myself. I sang, and I practiced a little bit of instruments (that i still have yet to master), I acted to my best ability, and I took dancing back up. With his help, I began to appreciate myself for me, but not quite. I still had a piece of me missing, that I absolutely hated. Skipping a bit more. I’m dating him again.

Jokes about plans of revenge, that could have been taken seriously, or shrugged off. Warnings and reminders of how broken I was the first time. And I dated him again anyways. And i’m happy. With myself. He was so much more vital to me than I realized. With him, and my best of friends, they put me back together. They plucked out the worst in me and told me, it’s okay. Every flaw, every quirk, it’s who I was, and that’s what made me who I am. It’s what made them support me so much, care for me, worry for me. Hey, if these goofs could love me this much despite everything about me, why couldn’t I love myself? I started to accept myself as they accepted me. I learned to love myself, so I could care for them more. I learned to love myself for reasons that would completely contradict this entire post, yet at the same time make so much sense.

So here I am, typing this novel-esque status. Basically saying, senior year, its been the best year so far. I learned to love myself, I have the best friends ever, the most caring and loving boyfriend ever. All these people in my life, Karen, Jaylynn, Grayson, these people made me proud. With their achievements, and at the same time, helping me piece myself back together when I was in my worst. So here I am, in tears because of the journey I’ve made in highschool. The 4 years that i’ve spent 3 of hating myself, and the 1 year I finally accepted myself. Because of the genuine love i’ve received, made up for all the love I gave. Except this love was not love I could give away. It was love they’ve invested into me, to make sure I could love myself. And it worked.

Senior year.

The last year of what people would say “the easiest part of your life”.

This struggle to love myself.

It’s all over now.

Senior year.

I learned how to love myself, and I learned who in my life deserves to be loved. Over these few years, the best of the best have stayed with me, and have supported me. Rarely have they hurt me and not made up for it 10x than the damage done. Because of them I’m more confident in myself. Some people would say, it’s rather sad I needed other people to learn to love myself. Well, that’s fine. I’m just glad they’re in my life. I’m glad they could help me grow. I can confidently say that yes, I love myself. With so much more love to spare for the world, but for now, they’re on a mainstream current to my friends and my love. Because of them, I could make it on my own. But lets just hope they stay in my life for a very, very long time. ❤

“Fort Rain”

First of all, I just want to say this, ‘tiny’ little message to you Grayson. I love you, you make me so strong, and even though I cried like a baby, and actually still am crying, I do know I’ll see you again. But parting still hurts, but I know we won’t be separated for too long. Not this time, no. I loved Fort Wayne, I loved your state of corn and rain. Most of all, I loved being in your arms, and feeling so secure and comfortable with you, and your family. I had so much fun, I enjoyed every second I had, that allowed me to cuddle up into your strong arms. And your irish spring/old spice scent that we found rather interesting because you don’t even use irish spring. So thank you, thank you for those plane tickets, thank you for being mine. And thank you for wiping away the ocean that was in my eyes for the last two days. I know i’m a silly goose, but i’m your silly goose. And I would never choose to be anyone elses. I too shall uphold this promise that was given to me with this ring. To always love you no matter what, even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. No matter what, I too will always be there for you, and I too will always care. And I can’t wait to see you again.

Now onto this blog post.

Which will be all about this particular visit.

---

This man… this wonderful, intelligent, handsome, loving, strong, ambitious man…I love him.

---

My time spend in Fort Wayne was short, but it was so, worth the wait. After not seeing him since when we first met on the cruise ship almost two years ago, these 3-4 days have made the wait so worth it. And it makes me cry happy tears to even think that this was possible.

Though others may think we did not do much, I believe every second was something amazing to cherish. Every second I laid next to him, inhaling his Irish spring, old spice scent, or kissing his soft lips, running up the stairs to find him on his knee holding up a promise ring, I loved. These little things were a lot to me. His family was so sweet, and I instantly felt comfortable in his household, which he said he was rather surprised I wasn’t too shy. Though besides just the cuddles and kisses, we did do some things. Like play some minecraft with his brother, listen to his dad play a little bit of guitar, while we both messed around with the guitar and keyboard too. He even showed me around his neighborhood, and told me some personal stories about some of the places we saw. I have to say, he’s had some pretty interesting experiences growing up, and I found the place he grew up amazing. Though to him, he was already used to everything, I loved being able to see his hometown with a new set of eyes. Then again who would’t love to see the town their significant other grew up in! It’s like, a real life biography,  in a way, and my attention was captivated.

Other than walk around, we got to watch the new Star Wars movie, which our feels could not handle, as we got super excited and super upset over at the same time. But no spoilers shall be named! After the movie we got some food at the Black Dog Pub, in which me an him shared a sandwich. (AKA, I ate one half, and he ate the other half after I left.) and we resumed to the cuddles. The next day is when we played with the instruments, and later on went to the mall, in which I was very determined to buy my own things, though he did end up paying for a few things like our bracelets, and food from the food court.

Though, moral of the story here is, this visit…this visit made the long distance  worth everything. If we weren’t in a long distance relationship, who knows if I would’ve been able to appreciate all the things we’ve done. If I would’ve have had the same wonder of walking around in his hometown, or if cuddling would’ve been more than enough for me. Though the weather made it difficult to do everything we originally planned, I was still happy. Happiness lingered with me the entire flight. Even when I cried because I had to go home, I was still happy. Happy because it happened. Happy because I saw him, happy because he’s mine, and these tears just validated how much I really loved him. This man makes me feel strong and secure, and I could never ask more of him. Though I would still push him to do things that I feel would motivate him to be his very best. Though my heart aches that the distance between us is back, I know it stands nothing against my love for him. Because hopefully this time, we won’t have to wait another two years to see each other again. Hopefully, we will see each other again soon. Because when he dropped me off at that airport, it wasn’t a goodbye, it was a see you soon. And I just can’t wait to run back into his arms again.

---

Now how about a few more photos?

This post was brought to you from LDRblogs prompt Happiness. Because God, did this trip bring me immense happiness.

---

Winter Visits

Okay so, change of plans. Our original plans, of having to wait till summer time to see each other, yeah that’s done…Because I get to see him this winter break! The excitement is certainly rushing through me as I haven’t seen him in basically two years, when I first met him on the cruise. Through a miracle of some sort, his parents, and my parents, both agreed to let me visit him in Indiana, for the weekend after Christmas. And I am so excited to be able to hold him again, hug him, kiss him, I’ll meet his family, and probably a few of his friends for the first time. He’s gonna show me around, and we’re going to take SO many pictures. Of course my parents are still skeptical of letting me go, as one, we’re both teenagers, seniors in high school, and we’re dating. As well as I’m going into a different state, and so my moms really worried about letting me go in case something bad were to happen, which is completely understandable. Anyways, this post was about a winter wish originally, but as you can see, my wish has already come true, so it’s kinda merged into hopes of the visit, though I won’t bring my hopes up a bit too much. But right now, We’re both sitting on skype, doing homework, and projects, and I’m taking a break right now to update this blog.

My main hopes for this trip however, is to spend as much time as possible with him. I already know I’m going to cherish every single second, as for once, i’ll be part of not only his emotional life, but his physical life too. (Woah lets not let your minds wander.) I’ll be able to hold his hand as we walk around, hug him and cuddle with him as we watch movies in the living room, taste the food he praises his mother for making, meet his family that I hear over skype calls, in which, normally they’re just being pretty sweet and goofy, so im pretty nervously excited to meet them. I really want to see everything, everything possible in person. Downtown where he plays ingress, the Kroger store he works at, the gas station he says is right down the street that he goes to get snacks, I want to meet his friends and the people who are involved in his everyday life. These few days, are the days in which I get to see what he sees everyday, in my own perspective. And man am I excited for it. I’m probably not even gonna be able to sleep the night before the trip, and end up falling asleep on the plane. I’m still rather shocked he even offered to do this at last minute. He’d pay for everything, the tickets, going out to eat, such and such, and I feel kind bad as I didn’t get to chip in at all, and hopefully I’ll be able to buy my own souvenirs.

This is all still pretty fresh to me, as it was just today that I found out that his parents said yes to me coming over. Though I’m still nervous as all the adults still have to talk to each other, about what i’m not sure, and I’m pretty nervous. Probably going to discuss how everything is going to work out and such. But I’m super excited, (bonus points if you count the amount of times I’ve said I was excited, and or implied it) and I can’t wait to see him in person, rather than through a screen on my computer, or ipod, or phone. To hear him in person, to hold him, Ooohh It just makes me shiver with excitement!

 

---

Post inspired by LDR Blogs.

Prompt: Visits.

---

My brain right now. Much Excite.

---

Late

As I sit here late at night, scribbling away on my sketch pad and hopelessly trying to type words that I can barely spell without hitting back, I smile and think. Maybe its the coffee that keeps me hyper (most likely), or maybe it’s the thought of him. The thoughts of knowing how committed he is to a silly girl like me, who lives states and states away. To a girl who, if you look at a map, doesn’t seem like that far away, but then again those 300+ miles certainly change your point of view when you can’t hold them each day.

But then again, I think. Maybe it’s because he’s so far, everything is so much more special. The fact there’s always some sort of romance, and if not romance, complete bliss from just being there. Like best friends who haven’t seen each other in a lifetime, and just goofing around is enough. Just a few flirty words is enough. Just imagination and knowing their heart reaches out to you miles and miles away is…almost enough. But it’s more than enough too. The longing, the wishing, the waiting. It will all be worth it in the end and we both know.

Oh the anxiousness, that the day we will meet is getting nearer and nearer each day, yet at the same time, it is so far away. But we stay strong, we stay focused. We live our lives separately, but together at the same time. Its late at night where these thoughts come to me, where they don’t make sense but they make so much sense to me at the same time, and so I put them down in words that other people can read. Words that people can either get completely lost, or completely understand. Words that can either touch  your heart or go right over your head. But my thoughts, as I put them down in this post, still linger on him. My mind is in a permanent state of absolute wonder. How I’ve met this boy completely by chance on a cruise ship we both were surprised we could even get on. How we both thought each other to be just another person to meet and forget until a few days later when we actually connected. How by chance both our families managed to save just enough to get on the same cruise at the same time, so that we could kiss and fall into a sense tingling wonder under those colorful dance lights, with drowning out words that I can’t even remember from the music that loudly played.

And here we are, he’s most likely asleep. Dreaming, while I sit here in the dark, drinking coffee, sketching, typing..Presents waiting to be delivered, thoughts waiting to be shared, ideas forming in my mind as I plan and plan for the upcoming holidays. And I think..

These things are temporary replacements

Written words soon to be spoken.
Typing hands soon to be interlocked.
Drawings soon to be pictures.
Shipping soon to be personally given.

And all these will be even more special. Because I know I will be so thankful, because I will remember now. This time where everything was tested by patience. And I will cherish the immediacy, I will cherish the physical presence. Each little moment shared over the internet, Skype, Facebook, Snapchat…whether it just be sitting in silence together, soon to be sitting in silence together in person. I will forever be in a sense of wonder. Forever in appreciation of the present. Forever feeling as if I am dreaming.

Because these thoughts, these thoughts make me realize who we are, what we are, and how special he is to me. And I can’t wait to personally look into his eyes and feel arms around me once more.

Happy ending

Happy endings huh? Well I guess I have one. Hopeful and cliché most likely. I wouldn’t call it the ending though, rather a start to a new life. I can have millions of happy endings, and each would set me down a path of bliss or struggles but in the end those moments are the key essentials to where I am now and where I would be.

But anyways, the idea of this post was to tell you about my idea of a happy ending would be with my significant other.

Currently my hopeful dreams of a happy ending would be in a nice house in the suburban parts of New York, with my dog Loki running around in the backyard, or resting in the shade depending on how he ages. My S/O would come home from doing some business with the Navy, and I’d come home from auditions or from rehearsals for a TV show or a play/musical. We’d have nice cars, to park under a tent garage, as the actual garage would’ve been renovated into a dance studio like in the Silver linings playbook. But my significant other and I would always come home to each other, whether our days were completely horrible, or amazing we could just hold each other for minutes, as if we haven’t seen each other in years. We’d help each other make dinner, or just order takeout, and dance and goof around in the process. I imagine our future to continue to be a chilled out relationship, where we’d cuddle, and still continue to do our own things. Maybe watch some TV, or movies, or play video games together. But that is a happy ending I hope to have.

But then again, any ending that has him actively in my life, would be happy regardless. Anywhere with him would be an amazing home. Anytime we’d have together, whether it’d be minutes or days (preferably days, but I won’t be picky), any time i’d have with him i’d be just content to know he is mine, and I get some time with him. The small moments we could have together, with our busy lives, in person, over the phone, i’d be happy. Of course I’d want more time, more of him, but I’d be happy with anything that’d I’d get. As long as I knew he loved me, and he would come whenever he has time, or i’d go to him whenever he has time. I’d be happy. Even if the only time I’d have contact with him, was to bring him lunch, or if he could join me on set or for a dinner or lunch meeting. These small moment’s I would also appreciate.

Because he is my happy ending. Any situation we’d end up in, if we’re together, I’d be happy.

HOW DARE YOU.

HOW DARE YOU!
You people who dare to turn a tragedy into fear against religion. Who use these horrible events to make a point for your political view points. How. Dare. You. People of France, are uniting to mourn, and you unite to instill fear into others, and for what? So that they don’t focus on the tragedy at hand, and so that they can focus on how you think you’re right! What kind of human being twists the suffering of one, to their own gain? Not one, as even a villain has some sense of moral. Terrorism has no religion. No god, or teachings would tell one to kill another. Adding guns into a state of panic and confusion would not help a situation. It would turn worse. Not everyone has perfect aim, or a bad guy radar, or x-ray vision to see who the attackers are. So how dare you take advantage of this catastrophe for your own advantage.

I am horrified. I am disgusted.

You should be ashamed.

People of France I stand with you. I applaud you for taking this time to not only remain united in these tragic events, but for also defending Muslims against ignorant bigotry.

Do you still love me?

I’m scared.
I’m frightened
I don’t want you to go.
My mind is slowly eating away at my soul, and I’m not sure of what I’m going to do.
It’s most likely just my emotions
Getting out of hand like it does each month.
But my fears are making me lose control.
My
Mind
Is
Distorted
With the paranoia of being left behind
Please don’t
Forget
Me
Tell me you love me
Tell me I’m still needed
Don’t Let my heart become as
Broken
As
My
Words
My fears are breaking me apart.
Help me
I need to get it together
I’m Scared.
Please Stay with Me.

Dear Former Bully

Why?
What did I do, that made you believe that I
Deserved such resentment
That caused me to believe
That I did deserve it.

Why?
How many times did you
Have to talk about me
To make yourself the superiority
as I became melancholy.

Why?
Did it make you feel better
To know I was suffering?
Or do you now feel guilt
and regret every little thing.

Please.
Know that I am scarred
My insecurities
Putting my mind at war

Please.
Keep in mind you broke me
My confidence in life
is not where is should be

Remember.
Though you may not realize
That back then, I wasn’t as strong
But that doesn’t change
The fact that you were wrong
So
Thank you.
For giving me a push.
My life is a mess, but
I can only do so much.