LDR

“Fort Rain”

First of all, I just want to say this, ‘tiny’ little message to you Grayson. I love you, you make me so strong, and even though I cried like a baby, and actually still am crying, I do know I’ll see you again. But parting still hurts, but I know we won’t be separated for too long. Not this time, no. I loved Fort Wayne, I loved your state of corn and rain. Most of all, I loved being in your arms, and feeling so secure and comfortable with you, and your family. I had so much fun, I enjoyed every second I had, that allowed me to cuddle up into your strong arms. And your irish spring/old spice scent that we found rather interesting because you don’t even use irish spring. So thank you, thank you for those plane tickets, thank you for being mine. And thank you for wiping away the ocean that was in my eyes for the last two days. I know i’m a silly goose, but i’m your silly goose. And I would never choose to be anyone elses. I too shall uphold this promise that was given to me with this ring. To always love you no matter what, even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. No matter what, I too will always be there for you, and I too will always care. And I can’t wait to see you again.

Now onto this blog post.

Which will be all about this particular visit.

This man… this wonderful, intelligent, handsome, loving, strong, ambitious man…I love him.

My time spend in Fort Wayne was short, but it was so, worth the wait. After not seeing him since when we first met on the cruise ship almost two years ago, these 3-4 days have made the wait so worth it. And it makes me cry happy tears to even think that this was possible.

Though others may think we did not do much, I believe every second was something amazing to cherish. Every second I laid next to him, inhaling his Irish spring, old spice scent, or kissing his soft lips, running up the stairs to find him on his knee holding up a promise ring, I loved. These little things were a lot to me. His family was so sweet, and I instantly felt comfortable in his household, which he said he was rather surprised I wasn’t too shy. Though besides just the cuddles and kisses, we did do some things. Like play some minecraft with his brother, listen to his dad play a little bit of guitar, while we both messed around with the guitar and keyboard too. He even showed me around his neighborhood, and told me some personal stories about some of the places we saw. I have to say, he’s had some pretty interesting experiences growing up, and I found the place he grew up amazing. Though to him, he was already used to everything, I loved being able to see his hometown with a new set of eyes. Then again who would’t love to see the town their significant other grew up in! It’s like, a real life biography, in a way, and my attention was captivated.

Other than walk around, we got to watch the new Star Wars movie, which our feels could not handle, as we got super excited and super upset over at the same time. But no spoilers shall be named! After the movie we got some food at the Black Dog Pub, in which me an him shared a sandwich. (AKA, I ate one half, and he ate the other half after I left.) and we resumed to the cuddles. The next day is when we played with the instruments, and later on went to the mall, in which I was very determined to buy my own things, though he did end up paying for a few things like our bracelets, and food from the food court.

Though, moral of the story here is, this visit…this visit made the long distance worth everything. If we weren’t in a long distance relationship, who knows if I would’ve been able to appreciate all the things we’ve done. If I would’ve have had the same wonder of walking around in his hometown, or if cuddling would’ve been more than enough for me. Though the weather made it difficult to do everything we originally planned, I was still happy. Happiness lingered with me the entire flight. Even when I cried because I had to go home, I was still happy. Happy because it happened. Happy because I saw him, happy because he’s mine, and these tears just validated how much I really loved him. This man makes me feel strong and secure, and I could never ask more of him. Though I would still push him to do things that I feel would motivate him to be his very best. Though my heart aches that the distance between us is back, I know it stands nothing against my love for him. Because hopefully this time, we won’t have to wait another two years to see each other again. Hopefully, we will see each other again soon. Because when he dropped me off at that airport, it wasn’t a goodbye, it was a see you soon. And I just can’t wait to run back into his arms again.

Now how about a few more photos?

This post was brought to you from LDRblogs prompt Happiness. Because God, did this trip bring me immense happiness.

December 31, 2015 0

Late

As I sit here late at night, scribbling away on my sketch pad and hopelessly trying to type words that I can barely spell without hitting back, I smile and think. Maybe its the coffee that keeps me hyper (most likely), or maybe it’s the thought of him. The thoughts of knowing how committed he is to a silly girl like me, who lives states and states away. To a girl who, if you look at a map, doesn’t seem like that far away, but then again those 300+ miles certainly change your point of view when you can’t hold them each day.

But then again, I think. Maybe it’s because he’s so far, everything is so much more special. The fact there’s always some sort of romance, and if not romance, complete bliss from just being there. Like best friends who haven’t seen each other in a lifetime, and just goofing around is enough. Just a few flirty words is enough. Just imagination and knowing their heart reaches out to you miles and miles away is…almost enough. But it’s more than enough too. The longing, the wishing, the waiting. It will all be worth it in the end and we both know.

Oh the anxiousness, that the day we will meet is getting nearer and nearer each day, yet at the same time, it is so far away. But we stay strong, we stay focused. We live our lives separately, but together at the same time. Its late at night where these thoughts come to me, where they don’t make sense but they make so much sense to me at the same time, and so I put them down in words that other people can read. Words that people can either get completely lost, or completely understand. Words that can either touch your heart or go right over your head. But my thoughts, as I put them down in this post, still linger on him. My mind is in a permanent state of absolute wonder. How I’ve met this boy completely by chance on a cruise ship we both were surprised we could even get on. How we both thought each other to be just another person to meet and forget until a few days later when we actually connected. How by chance both our families managed to save just enough to get on the same cruise at the same time, so that we could kiss and fall into a sense tingling wonder under those colorful dance lights, with drowning out words that I can’t even remember from the music that loudly played.

And here we are, he’s most likely asleep. Dreaming, while I sit here in the dark, drinking coffee, sketching, typing..Presents waiting to be delivered, thoughts waiting to be shared, ideas forming in my mind as I plan and plan for the upcoming holidays. And I think..

These things are temporary replacements

Written words soon to be spoken.
Typing hands soon to be interlocked.
Drawings soon to be pictures.
Shipping soon to be personally given.

And all these will be even more special. Because I know I will be so thankful, because I will remember now. This time where everything was tested by patience. And I will cherish the immediacy, I will cherish the physical presence. Each little moment shared over the internet, Skype, Facebook, Snapchat…whether it just be sitting in silence together, soon to be sitting in silence together in person. I will forever be in a sense of wonder. Forever in appreciation of the present. Forever feeling as if I am dreaming.

Because these thoughts, these thoughts make me realize who we are, what we are, and how special he is to me. And I can’t wait to personally look into his eyes and feel arms around me once more.

November 30, 2015 0

Happy ending

Happy endings huh? Well I guess I have one. Hopeful and cliché most likely. I wouldn’t call it the ending though, rather a start to a new life. I can have millions of happy endings, and each would set me down a path of bliss or struggles but in the end those moments are the key essentials to where I am now and where I would be.

But anyways, the idea of this post was to tell you about my idea of a happy ending would be with my significant other.

Currently my hopeful dreams of a happy ending would be in a nice house in the suburban parts of New York, with my dog Loki running around in the backyard, or resting in the shade depending on how he ages. My S/O would come home from doing some business with the Navy, and I’d come home from auditions or from rehearsals for a TV show or a play/musical. We’d have nice cars, to park under a tent garage, as the actual garage would’ve been renovated into a dance studio like in the Silver linings playbook. But my significant other and I would always come home to each other, whether our days were completely horrible, or amazing we could just hold each other for minutes, as if we haven’t seen each other in years. We’d help each other make dinner, or just order takeout, and dance and goof around in the process. I imagine our future to continue to be a chilled out relationship, where we’d cuddle, and still continue to do our own things. Maybe watch some TV, or movies, or play video games together. But that is a happy ending I hope to have.

But then again, any ending that has him actively in my life, would be happy regardless. Anywhere with him would be an amazing home. Anytime we’d have together, whether it’d be minutes or days (preferably days, but I won’t be picky), any time i’d have with him i’d be just content to know he is mine, and I get some time with him. The small moments we could have together, with our busy lives, in person, over the phone, i’d be happy. Of course I’d want more time, more of him, but I’d be happy with anything that’d I’d get. As long as I knew he loved me, and he would come whenever he has time, or i’d go to him whenever he has time. I’d be happy. Even if the only time I’d have contact with him, was to bring him lunch, or if he could join me on set or for a dinner or lunch meeting. These small moment’s I would also appreciate.

Because he is my happy ending. Any situation we’d end up in, if we’re together, I’d be happy.

Continue reading “Happy ending” →

November 30, 2015 0

Afraid

Now we all have fears. It’s just a thing that comes along with the price of humanity and living, and it’s quite unavoidable. Even the man with no fears can come up with some scary thoughts late at night. My current LDR, well that’s no exception. I had fears when we first started dating last year, and I have fears when we started dating again a month ago. Dreams that turn to nightmares, and laughter into complete and utter worry. There are so many anxious thoughts that cross my mind, and here, I will explain my three main fears. My least main rational fear to the biggest one.

My smallest fear has to be, losing connection. And not like emotional connection, I mean like, no wifi, no signal, and the post office wont deliver; a communication apocalypse. Quite irrational, and completely rational at the same time. I’m still a senior in high school, and live under a parent’s roof. Who knows when I could possibly get in trouble, over gosh knows what, and then my phone, my ipod, and my laptop could be taken away. I still remember having the struggle of having to find stamps, and I think I lost the extra ones once I got out of a LDR, and now that i’m back in one again…Well, I gotta find more stamps. Same thing on his end, senior in HS, parents, and man how many times have I told him late at night “Don’t get in trouble” whenever he decides to stay up late with me. I don’t want him to get grounded, and I definitely don’t want to get grounded myself. I feel restricted enough as it is at home.

My next fear, slightly less irrational than the first one, and probably completely understandable. Annoying him/Scaring him away. I’m afraid that one day, i’m gonna get really clingy, and he’s gonna want more space than just the physical distance between us. Communication is a big thing in a long distance, and I know personally how sometimes it can be a little suffocating. You know communication is vital, you know its needed in a healthy relationship, so you feel pressured to talk more, but when you’re a slight introvert, or the more laid back one in the relationship, the constant texts and or calls can be a little suffocating. And i’m afraid i’m gonna suffocate him with my constant “I love you’s”. And sometimes this is a little evident to him. He’ll notice when I’m more quiet, when I seem a little distant, and though I never want to talk about it, he still reassures me, that he loves me. No matter what mood i’m in, no matter what I do. And god, do I love him for that.

And lastly, my biggest fear…the unknown. There are so many factors to a long distance relationship. Patience, trust, and communication being basically everything. And I trust him with all my heart, and I would gladly wait forever if I had to. But he still has his own life. An entire life I don’t know because I’m limited by some sort of screen, or a piece of paper. And I accept he has this life, but I can’t help but get slightly jealous too. Of the people around him, who can touch him and comfort him, see his face and hear his voice in person. I’m afraid of someone closer to him in distance, being so much better than me, that he’d leave me for them. That he’ll find someone with better things to offer than I can from all the way where I am. I’m afraid he’ll fall out of love with me, because these unknown factors, this unknown life, these unknown moments, will all be better than what I can offer and it terrifies me. And I know I can’t be the only one. That worries with the smallest bad thing, and possibly goes a little too overboard because all you have are your words..

But I continue on in this beautiful relationship, even when these fears drag me down. I talk to him, and he reassures me that i’m doing just fine. He tells me what kind of things he finds amazing about me, and how much I already do for him, when I feel like it’s just not enough. When I want to do more, and he tells me that I deserve more too. I guess you could say my advice here is, talk with your significant other. Open up to them, as it’s not healthy to hide secrets, especially when they’re part of the fear. They’re there for you. They chose to be with you, out of all the people around and close to them, they chose the one over highways, states, borders, and seas. They chose you, because the love you, because they see something in you. Past these fears, these anxieties. They chose to take on your ocean storms, and they want to calm down your nervous tides. Because no matter the distance, they want to be there for you, as much as you want to be there for them. A long distance relationship, it’s still a relationship. There will always be fears. Its okay to be afraid. But know, it’s also okay to share them. Because you never know, they might feel the same way too.

Everything will be okay. ♥

This blog was inspired by LDRblogs’s topic, Fears.

October 17, 2015 0

Playlist

Through inspiration of a given topic, I’ve decided to take song titles, and use them to describe my currently long distance relationship as a fun activity to do. The activity was actually based off of a game, where you would have a conversation with someone SOLELY using song titles. Sounds interesting huh? Well, anyways I hope you enjoy my list. I will definitely elaborate on why I chose these songs, so you could get a bit more a feel of what it means to me.

Little do you know (Alex & Sierra)- We’ve both gone through some tough relationships, as well as our own with each other. We were once in a relationship a little bit back, and through some social and health issues it was terminated. This song delves into how sometimes, I would need a little more time, and how he’s sorry, but after some time, after we’re comfortable once more, I will definitely love him like I was never afraid, or hurt.
Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)- This song….Now this song really starts to get into my feelings. This song basically describes how I’d give up anything to be with him, right next to him, to be able to be held by him once more. How much I miss him is conveyed in this song through how much I long to be near him.
This Time (John Legend)-“This time I want it all, I’m showing you all the cards, Giving you all my heart” This song expresses how this time, as it is the second time in a relationship with this wonderful man in my life, we’re going all in. We’re gonna do our best to not hold back, and love each other like we should’ve the first time. How we deserved to be loved, we’re gonna make things right, we’re gonna work together, show all our cards, and work towards the future, together.
Skip to the Good Part (He is We)-This reminds me of how ready I am for the good times to come. All the jitters and butterflies will last basically forever, and I can’t wait till they actually drive my crazy with excited nervousness. This guy, now this guy makes me grin like there is no tomorrow. Say his name, and I’ll pop up, even though he’s miles and miles away. We’re basically picking up from where we left off in this relationship, but acting like a new couple at the same time. It’s crazy, but I’m happy.
Latch (Sam Smith, Acoustic)- He makes me feel so enchanted. Like I’m on top of the world, and I will cling onto that feeling as much as possible because I know the moment I let go, I will go insane. I can just remember what it was like when he held me once, and I know if he were to hug me again in the future, I wouldn’t let go for a very long time.
Make you feel my love (Adele)- This makes me think of how much I want to show him how much I care for him. He says I make him feel very happy, and that I show that I care very well, but theres so much I want to do just for him. I’d do anything if I could to show him how happy he makes me. I’d give him my eyes when he’s down just so he could see himself the way I see him. As a strong, smart, caring, funny, renegade gentleman. I want to make him happy, I want to make his dreams him come true. I love him, there is no doubt.
Count on me (Bruno Mars)- NOW, I know this is basically like, the biggest friendzone song EVER. But not only is this guy my beloved boyfriend. He is also one of my best friends. I can goof around with him, insult him and he will know its out of playful love, bug the crap out of him and he wouldn’t mind, because he’d do the same with me. We could sit in silence and do absolutely nothing and be perfectly content. I know I can come to him with any problem, and hopefully he knows he can come to me with anything.
Sunday Morning (Maroon 5)- He makes me feel super relaxed. Like a sunday morning, he makes me happy and I never want those small moments with him to end. Even if its something as silly as uncontrollable giggles from me being silly, or just sitting there on skype with him as we both scroll through facebook. He makes me feel like nothing could go wrong. Like beauty has reawakened in my eyes and all I can do is sit back, and smile. He helps me enjoy the small moments in my life. He helps me stop, and take a breath, and enjoy life.
Falling Slow (Tori Kelly)- I make mistakes, I’m a mess, I am not perfect.There are times where I will be the quietest person possible, and i’ll breakdown, and I have fears. Like if I messed up, he would leave, like I’m not good enough. Like i’m too reluctant to go on, and i’m so afraid of not being enough to make him happy. Like this distance will come between us more than in literal terms. My fears making me slightly reluctant to move on, to act out more than I normally would. Like If I mess up or show the smallest flaw, I’d scare him away. Though he always tells me otherwise, I will always have these insecurities. And though he reminds me every time I feel upset, that no matter what he will always love me, I can’t help but doubt myself.
Tip Toes (Jayme Dee)- This reminds me of our first kiss. Which happened to also be, my first kiss. He came in a bit suddenly (but now that I think of it, we were kinda cuddling all day. In terms of me laying on his lap, or even sitting on his lap and leaning on him when we needed more space. BUT, im oblivious to this flirting stuff until I really think about it.), and he brought me up to the front of the teen club. So here we are, on the last night of the cruise, in front of a teen club with loud pounding music, that I can’t even remember…Because it drowned out when he kissed me. He makes me feel like I could fly, he’s got me on this happy edge and I don’t want to come down.

(YES! I’VE FINALLY COMPLETED THE SONG ANALYSIS’S)

And this was my lovely list. Sorry if it was lengthy ❤ I applaud you if you made it this far to completing all of this reading, as it’s basically an essay! Haha, anyways that’s the end of this post. These are all really good songs, and I’d recommend you listen to them if you want and whenever you can. There are definitely more songs from various artists I wanted to put, but that would’ve just made this post even longer. (Paramore, Kongos, Sleeping with Sirens, Secondhand Serenade, P!@TD, Fall out boy, Parachute, and MORE….I’m a very music inclined person I’m sorry XD) So, until next time my lucky eights. Baiiiii ❤

Blog Post Inspired by ldrblogs Topic: Top Ten

October 6, 2015 0